You should never kill a dragon, or trust someone who would…
Sounds ridiculous to say that, “Every Relationship is a Fairy Tale.” does it not? Yet if we look closer we may find out that it is true. We may also find that we get a clearer understanding of how to make our relationships work better.
The thing about fairy stories is that although they are completely fictional; they are also completely true! It all depends on how we look at them. They are true because of what they tell use about human nature.
Think about this. Have you ever met someone who is a ‘Princess’ who did not have a Dragon lurking around inside her somewhere? The same goes for a Hero. Don’t the Heroes we meet not also turn out to have Dragons inside them too?
I don’t mean this in a cynical way. On the contrary, a wise understanding of this can help us to create healthier relationships. Wisdom makes a better choice than cynicism.
Fairy stories are really representations of different parts of what it is to be a human being and they illustrate what happens if some of them get out of hand. Every character needs a chance to play its part for us to be able to create healthy relationships.
From this way of looking at things; everyone has a Dragon, a Hero, a Princess and King (and so on) inside them. It does not matter whether we are male or female all these parts are in us. It is just that some will be more active than others depending on our personality and physical gender.
There are no real ‘villains’ in the story, because to be healthy we need all the different parts – including the Dragon.
The Dragon is not ‘bad’ and the Hero is not ‘good’. An overzealous Hero may be constantly trying to kill their inner Dragon for the sake of ‘beauty and innocence’ as represented by the Princess. However, the Dragon offers its own powers, insights and abilities. It gives us a fire in our belly and without it our passion for life goes cold.
Think about what happens when a Hero kills the Dragon and marries the Princess. Whose Dragon did he kill? If he killed his own, what kind of lover will he be? Not much of one, I would suspect.
If it is her Dragon that has been killed (in the story they often have both conspired to do so) what will that do to her passion for life? Our Hero would be better off with the Scullery Maid as a wife. She knows how to ‘tend a fire’ – and not just in the kitchen. (Perhaps the Scullery Maid is friends with her Dragon).
Would a Hero marry a Scullery Maid? One who kills Dragons wouldn’t. But, one that understood the role of Dragons might. He would be more likely to love a woman, and be there for her, through the ‘drudgery’ of daily chores. A healthy man will not be offended if her hair gets in a mess, or her ‘clothes become tattered and bare’. He would help her rather than be off fighting needless causes.
If you are looking for a Princess, next time you find one, ask yourself, ‘OK, I see the Princess – but, where is the Dragon?’. If you are looking for a Hero, and you find one, try ‘OK I see the Hero, where is the Dragon?’.
Many people don’t do this and then wonder why the Dragon suddenly sneaks up on them out of the blue! Or, they have held back their own Dragon so long it comes roaring out and becomes ‘The Terror of all the Land’.
Remember the Dragon is not really bad, it is just needs to be given its rightful place. When you know where the Dragon lives, and a bit about what it is like, you are beginning to get to know the whole person. They are not really the Dragon, any more than they are really the parts of themselves they are more comfortable showing. They are really all of it and more.
Many men try to kill their Dragon when they meet a woman they really like. A man may be tempted to disowns parts of himself and become especially Nice. He tries to win her with flowers, gifts and compliments. The woman may wonder what happened to the interesting guy she was starting to like, as he has suddenly been replaced by a rather gushy ‘Hero’.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with flowers, gifts and compliments (it might even work with a Princess). It is just better when they are an expression of what the relationship actually is rather than how one person would like it to be. It is better to be authentic than to put on a show. That’s why some women end up with a mean guys. His Dragon may be a bit wild, but at least its not dead!
On the other hand, we have probably all met people whose Dragon goes on the rampage at the least provocation. Usually this happens when we people have lost hope in finding their Hero or in finding their Princess. Ironically, it is because they are unwilling to love the Dragon in themselves, or in others, that their own Dragon gets out of hand. They expect other people to be ‘too perfect’ in an overly nice way.
After all, that is what the various parts of us need. We may find it easy to love the Princess, or the Hero. Can we learn to love the Dragon too?
I suspect that what we need from each other is help in expressing our own Dragon in healthy ways. To be able to see the other person at their ‘worst’ (or even at their most magnificent) and stand in our Hero with courage and love for the relationship’s sake. When someone we care for gets a bit wild, or hides in their cave hoarding their jewels, can we stay confident in knowing that the other person is just finding their way to a more balanced sense of themselves?
Of course, it also wise to know when something it too much for us and it would be best to get out of a particular story.
Facing another person’s Dragon can be fun. A woman I had been involved with for a while once turned to me and said, “I think this relationship is doomed!”. She said it very dramatically and rather than react I just started to laugh. I did not laugh in a mocking way, but I did tease her a bit about what she said and how she had said it. She looked at me oddly and headed off back to her house. The next day she came back especially to tell me how impressed she was with what I had done!
In facing a Dragon it is better to use just a light touch of the sword (Sword of Truth, Sword of Wisdom, Sword of Humor) but it is best to have a very sturdy shield! Your love and respect for the Dragon in each other is your best shield.
William Martin offers wholistic tips and advice on dating and relationships. Check out these holistic blogs and articles or this ebooks search directory.